My friends keep talking about periods what do they mean?

Kia ora lovely 💛 

Thanks so much for your question - it’s such a normal thing to be wondering about, especially if your friends have started talking about periods more. It can feel a bit confusing or even a little awkward, but you’re definitely not alone in feeling that way. 

A period is something that happens as your body grows and develops. About once a month, your body gets ready in case it might need to grow a baby one day. When that doesn’t happen, your body sheds the lining of your uterus (your womb), and that comes out as a small amount of blood from your vagina - that’s what a period is. It might sound a bit strange at first, but it’s actually a really normal and healthy part of growing up 💗

It’s also completely okay if you haven’t started your period yet. Everyone’s body is different, and people start at all sorts of ages - some earlier, some later. There is no “right” time, and it doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you if yours hasn’t started yet. Growing up isn’t a race, even if it sometimes feels like everyone else is ahead. 

When your period does start, there are lots of ways to manage it. Most people begin with pads (which stick into your underwear), and there are also things like liners, period underwear, and tampons. You don’t need to worry about knowing everything right now - you’ll figure out what works best for you over time, and there are always adults who can help you with this. 

If you feel ready, it can be really helpful to talk to a parent, caregiver, or another trusted adult about periods. You don’t have to make it a big serious conversation - even just saying “hey, I’ve been learning about periods” is a good start. They’re there to support you and help you feel prepared. 

When you first get your period, it might be a small amount of blood in your underwear - sometimes red, sometimes brown. You might also feel a few changes in your body like light cramps, feeling a bit tired, or emotional. That’s all really normal. At the beginning, periods can be a bit irregular (not coming at the same time each month), and that’s completely okay too. 

If you want to feel a bit more prepared, you could keep a pad or liner in your school bag - just in case. Lots of people do this, and it can help you feel more confident. And if your period ever starts at school and you’re not ready, you can always ask a friend, a teacher, the office, or the school nurse - they will help you, no worries at all. 

Most importantly, please don’t feel embarrassed about any of this. Periods are a normal part of life, and everyone goes through it in their own time and in their own way. It’s okay to have questions, and it’s okay to feel unsure. 

You’re doing just fine, exactly where you are 🌸 

Arohanui, Mama Ruru 

My friend who is 17 has just started dating this 21 year old. It is her first boyfriend and she hid him from us until today because her parents found out and got really mad. What do I do?

Kia ora, thanks so much for coming to Mama Ruru for support - that shows how much you care about your friend, and that you’re really looking out for her 💛 

I think it’s important to say that even though a relationship between a 17-year-old and a 21-year-old might be legal, it can still be a bit concerning. There’s quite a big difference in maturity and life stage at those ages. Like, the jump from being a teenager to being in your early twenties is actually huge in terms of emotional growth and life experience. Because this is her first relationship too, it could make things a bit uneven, where he might have more influence or control over how things go, even if he doesn’t mean to. Sometimes that can make it harder for her to notice if something doesn’t feel right, or to speak up about it. 

There could be lots of reasons why she hasn’t told people about the relationship. It might just be that it’s new and she wanted to keep it private for a bit, or she was worried about being judged. But at the same time, if there’s a sense that she’s hiding him or he doesn’t want to be known, that can be a bit of a red flag. The age gap is something to take seriously too - not because it’s automatically bad, but because it can create a bit of a power imbalance or pressure for her to grow up faster than she’s ready for. 

If you’ve noticed changes in her, like pulling away from you or other friends, or seeming more anxious or defensive, it’s definitely worth gently checking in. I reckon the best thing you can do is just talk to her in a really chill, non-judgemental way. Let her know how you feel, but also make it clear you’re coming from a place of care, not criticism. 

Just being there for her is the biggest thing. Try not to make her feel judged, and remind her that since it’s her first relationship, she should go at her own pace. You could encourage her to think about how he treats her and how she feels when she’s with him - like, does she feel safe, respected, and comfortable being herself? And just remind her that even though he’s older, she deserves equal respect and to have a say in everything. Also let her know you’ve always got her back, no matter what. 

It’s actually a really good thing that her parents know, because it means there are adults who can help guide her and keep an eye on things. Just remember, it’s not your job to fix the situation or carry all of this on your own. You’re doing enough just by being a good friend. 

At the end of the day, just make sure she knows she’s not alone, and that she has people in her life who care about her - not just him. 💛 

How much masturbation is too much?

Masturbation is something that people often joke about or talk openly about when it comes to boys, and it’s seen as really normal. But for girls, it can feel like something we’re not supposed to talk about, or even something to feel embarrassed about. That double standard isn’t fair. The truth is, from a biological and developmental point of view, it’s completely normal for everyone, regardless of gender, to be curious about their body and experience sexual feelings as they grow up.

For a long time, girls have been made to feel like they should stay “pure,” and that exploring their own body is somehow wrong. But that’s based on outdated gender expectations, not reality. Girls have the same natural curiosity and feelings as boys do, and learning about your own body is a normal part of growing up. It doesn’t make you weird, wrong, or any less worthy of respect.

Many girls masturbate out of curiosity, to relax, or simply because it feels nice. It doesn’t harm your body, and it doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you. It’s a personal and private choice. The only time it might become a concern is if it starts to interfere with things like your sleep, schoolwork, relationships or overall wellbeing.

Like anything that feels good, balance is important. If it becomes something you feel like you have to do all the time, or something that affects how you connect with others emotionally, it might be helpful to pause and reflect on why.

If you ever feel like you’re struggling with self-control or feel worried about your habits, it’s important to know that you’re not alone, and there is nothing to be ashamed of. You can listen to a podcast, talk to someone you trust, like a friend, counsellor, or another supportive person in your life. Everyone’s journey with understanding their body is different, and it’s okay to take the time to figure things out in a way that feels healthy and right for you.Most importantly, be kind to yourself. Growing up involves learning, questioning, and understanding who you are - and that’s completely normal. Arohanui, 💛💙

How do I tell my friends I’m a furry? I’m scared they might hate me….

Hi there! Sharing who you are with the world can feel really scary. It’s always your choice when, how, and who you tell. You might start with just one person - often someone who feels safe, open-minded, and supportive. Ask yourself: Who do I trust? Who has reacted kindly to others before? Who makes me feel comfortable being honest?

People’s reactions can vary. Some will respond with love right away. Others might need time to process. And sometimes, the reaction isn’t what you hoped for. It’s normal to worry about things changing or being treated differently.

If someone doesn’t respond well, that doesn’t mean you were wrong to share. You can give them time if you want, but your wellbeing comes first. Reach out to someone else you trust - a friend, family member, teacher, or support service - so you’re not dealing with it alone.

Most schools have a student-led pride initiative or club, where everyone’s welcome just as they are - we have Rainbow Rangi. Simply request to be added to the Team to get more info.

There’s no rush, and no right way to do this except the way that feels safest and most right for you. Arohanui xx.

How should we handle a situation where friends dressed up as The Taliban for Halloween, shared it on social media, and then bullied someone who called them out?

Hey, thanks for this great question and sorry it took so long to answer - I was on study leave with the Year 13's when it came through. Better late than never thought right?

I just want you to know I’m proud of you for standing up and saying something, that took a lot of courage. You had every right to stand up for yourself, and you weren’t overreacting at all. What they did wasn’t okay, and it’s good that you acknowledged that their costume was disrespectful. The fact that you were brave enough to tell them how you felt is a big deal. Ways you can support this friend could be reminding them that you are here for them or expressing that you understand where they are coming from and that you agree with their point of view.

A costume that references the Taliban isn’t okay because it represents a real group responsible for violence and severe oppression, especially towards women and girls. For many people, this isn’t just history; it’s a lived experience and trauma. Turning real suffering into a joke or a costume can feel disrespectful and minimising, and it can make others feel uncomfortable or unsafe. At the same time, it’s possible they didn’t fully understand the history or impact behind what they were portraying. That lack of awareness doesn’t make it acceptable, but it does mean this could be an opportunity to educate them rather than just confronting them and causing conflict.

As for the group who dressed up as the Taliban, it is clear that they do not understand the severity of the situation surrounding this dangerous organisation and how people around the world are affected by it. You can’t control someone else’s reactions, but you can control yours and how you move forward. It might be worth it to have a conversation with them to let them know that their values don’t align with yours and why you don't find it funny or appropriate. If they still don't get it, you might want to take a step back from that friendship. Making boundaries very clear and staying calm during the situation will leave them to think about their actions and not make them feel shocked by you leaving that friend group. It is important to be calm, mature, and the bigger person in this situation, as they will likely realise that what they have done is wrong, likely after facing the consequence of losing friends. For some people, it takes longer to mature and have a real understanding of how certain issues affect others. Keep supporting your friend and well done for sticking to your values in hard situations; it is not easy!

Arohanui xx

Do I have to wait until I finish high school to have a crush on a teacher?

Having crushes is a really normal part of growing up. They can happen at any age and having one doesn’t make you a bad person at all. You don’t always get to choose who you develop feelings for, and that can be confusing or uncomfortable. What’s important to remember, though, is that there’s a big difference between having a crush and acting on it. Even when the feelings themselves are normal, acting on them isn’t always appropriate - especially when boundaries are involved.

In New Zealand, the age of consent is 16, but that doesn’t make a relationship with a teacher okay. Teachers are in a position of authority, which creates a clear power imbalance. A relationship that goes beyond a professional student–teacher dynamic is not allowed and can have serious consequences. A teacher could lose their job or face a police investigation, and the student could experience emotional stress, harm, or disruptions to their education, like having to change classes or even schools. That’s why it’s so important to keep it as just a crush and maintain clear boundaries. If you do have a crush on a teacher, it's best to talk to and get advice from a family member, caregiver, or psychologist to hear another person's point of view about your feelings.

Even after leaving high school, I would still strongly discourage having a relationship with a former teacher. Even if they’re no longer technically your teacher, that professional relationship doesn’t just disappear. They’ve watched you grow up through your teenage years, and if they’re interested in a relationship after that, it isn’t healthy or okay. It’s important to protect yourself and your feelings.

Even if you’re 18 and it’s no longer illegal, your brain is still developing - especially the part that helps with decision-making and understanding long-term consequences. That doesn’t fully mature until around your mid-twenties, which means it’s easier to act on emotion or impulse. While it might not feel wrong because it’s technically legal, there is still a power imbalance, and if a teacher is encouraging or returning those feelings, that’s a huge red flag. You deserve to feel safe, respected, and protected - always.

Arohanui, Māmā Ruru

Hi Mama Ruru, I got flowers from someone for Valentine's day but I don’t like them and don’t know how to reject them. What do I do? Thank you

Hey 💛

First of all, it’s okay to feel awkward about this. Getting flowers from someone you don’t like back can feel flattering and uncomfortable at the same time. That doesn’t make you mean - it just makes you honest.

The kindest thing you can do is be clear, but gentle. You don’t have to over-explain or apologise for not having feelings. You could say something like, “Thank you for the flowers, that was really thoughtful. I just want to be honest that I don’t see this as anything more than friends.” Short, calm, and respectful.

Try not to ignore it or hope it goes away - that can sometimes make things more confusing for them. Being clear now might feel uncomfortable for five minutes, but it saves both of you from bigger hurt later.

You’re allowed to choose who you like. Being kind and being honest can happen at the same time. 🌷

Can I join Rainbow Rangi if I’m straight or a furry?

Of course! Everyone is welcome, no matter who they are or how they identify.

Rainbow Rangi is a safe and supportive space for all ākonga. Rainbow Rangi meets every Friday to offer connection, encouragement, and a place where people can just be themselves without judgment. They also work alongside other schools across Ōtautahi to help build a wider sense of community and support.

Whether you’re questioning, completely sure of who you are, or just wanting to learn and be an ally, you’re so welcome. The only thing asked is that everyone who goes along treats others with kindness, respect, and understanding.

What is the normal body count for a 17 year old? Some of my friends have a few and I do not have any.

Honestly, there’s no such thing as a “normal” body count for a 17-year-old. Everyone’s timeline and comfort level are completely different, and that’s totally okay. Just because your friends have more experience doesn’t mean you’re behind or missing out - it just means you’re on your own path.

It’s also really important to remember that not everyone is having sex at 17. Even though it might seem like everyone around you is, that’s actually not true. According to the Sexual and Reproductive Health of New Zealand Secondary School Students: A Youth19 report, only about 17.9% of 17-year-old females said they’d ever had sex. So the majority haven’t - it just isn’t something people always talk about openly, which can make it feel way more common than it really is.

What really matters is that you wait until you feel ready - not pressured, not comparing yourself - but genuinely ready in your own time. It’s such a personal thing, and its way more meaningful to focus on whether relationships are safe, respectful, and genuinely wanted, rather than counting numbers or comparing yourself to others.

Also, can we talk about the word “body count” for a second? It’s kinda wild when you think about it - that phrase actually came from counting how many people were killed in battles. So when people use it to talk about sex, it can make something really personal sound like a score or competition. But it's not - you don’t owe anyone your body, and your worth isn’t defined by numbers. What actually matters is how you feel, that you’re respected, and that your choices are truly yours.

Take care of yourself and your boundaries. You’re not “behind” for waiting - there’s nothing wrong with taking your time - and you’ll never regret waiting for the right moment that feels good, comfortable, and safe for you💛

Arohanui,

Māmā Ruru

How do I prevent shaving bumps?

Hey lovely, 💛

Thanks so much for reaching out - seriously, you’re not alone in this! Razor bumps are so common and honestly such a pain, but the good news is there are heaps of simple things you can do to help calm them down and stop them coming back.

Before you shave:

• Exfoliate gently - Use a soft scrub or exfoliating glove to lift away dead skin. It helps free up any trapped hairs that can cause those annoying bumps. Just make sure whatever you use is gentle and suits your skin.

• Shave at the end of your shower - Warm water softens the hair and opens pores, which makes shaving easier and kinder on your skin.

• Use a creamy, hydrating gel or foam - Dry shaving can really irritate your skin, so a fragrance-free shave gel is your best friend here.

While you shave:

• Use a sharp, clean razor - Old blades can tug and make irritation worse. Rinse it often while shaving and swap it out regularly.

• Shave in the same direction your hair grows - It might not feel quite as smooth right away, but it really helps prevent those little red bumps.

• Try not to go over the same area too many times - It can make your skin extra sensitive.

After you shave:

• Rinse with cool water - It helps calm your skin and close your pores.

• Moisturise - Use a soothing, fragrance-free lotion or a bit of aloe vera gel to keep your skin happy and hydrated.

• Wear loose clothes for a bit - Let your skin breathe, especially if you’ve shaved a sensitive spot.

Other little tips:
If you still get bumps, you could try a gentle toner with salicylic acid or glycolic acid a few hours later - it can help keep pores clear. Some people also prefer using an electric trimmer instead of a razor. And if you’re shaving your bikini area, make sure to use products made for that part of your body - it’s more delicate.

Most importantly, try not to pick or scratch at the bumps (I know it’s tempting, but it’ll only make them angrier!). Your skin just needs a bit of kindness and time to heal. 💕

Arohanui,
Māmā Ruru

How do I insert a tampon?

First, make sure you’re in a space where you feel relaxed, comfortable, and not rushed. If it’s your first time, it’s totally normal for it to feel a bit scary or confusing as it’s something new, and lots of people feel that way at the start. You might want to begin with a smaller or “slender” tampon, or one with an applicator, since they can make the process a bit easier.

Next, find a position that feels right for you. Some people like to sit on the toilet with their knees apart, while others prefer to stand with one leg up on the edge of the bath or toilet. Try out what feels most comfortable.

When you’re ready, unwrap and prepare the tampon. If it has an applicator, hold it in the middle where the two tubes meet. If it doesn’t, hold the base of the tampon with the string facing down. With one hand, gently open your labia (the folds of skin around your vagina), and with the other, slowly and gently guide the tampon in on a slight angle, aiming more toward your lower back rather than straight up.

If it’s an applicator tampon, push the smaller tube into the larger one to release it, then remove the applicator. If it’s a non-applicator one, gently push it in with your finger until you can’t feel it anymore. The string should hang just outside your body so you can easily remove it later by gently pulling.

If it feels uncomfortable or like it’s poking, it might not be in far enough that’s super common, and you can just take it out and try again with a new one. Don’t stress if it takes a few tries; everyone needs a bit of practice at first.

Lastly, remember to change your tampon every 4–8 hours. Don’t leave it in for too long to avoid irritation or infection. And most importantly, take your time and be gentle with yourself it can take a little while to get used to, and that’s completely okay.

Arohanui,

Māmā Ruru💛

I think my friend group is falling apart and I don't know what to do….

Hey, thank you so much for opening up - that honestly takes a lot of courage. 💛

It sounds like you’ve been feeling pretty worried and sad, maybe even stressed or confused - like the people you used to feel closest to are drifting away. That can be such a heavy thing to go through, and it’s completely okay to feel that way. Lots of people experience friendship changes, especially during high school, because everyone’s growing and figuring out who they are. It’s really tough, but it’s also something most of us go through at some point.

If you’d like to try reconnecting with your friends, it could help to talk to them openly about how you’re feeling. Sometimes people don’t realise how their actions are affecting others, and having an honest chat can really help everyone understand each other better. I know it can feel scary, but face-to-face conversations often make a big difference. Or if that feels too full-on right now, maybe you could plan something chill and fun to bring everyone together again.

Before you do that though, take a moment for yourself. Ask: Is this group still good for me? Do I feel supported and happy around them? Your wellbeing and peace of mind are the most important things. If everyone’s keen to work things out and you all put in the effort, that’s awesome - just keep being the kind, caring friend you already are. But if you notice you’re the only one trying, and it feels one-sided, it’s okay to step back a bit and give your energy to people who really value and care for you. You deserve that.

And please be gentle with yourself through it all. Try not to let this change make you doubt who you are - because you’re so much more than what’s happening in your friendships. There will be new people who love you for exactly who you are, and those connections will come when the time’s right.

If you start to feel really down or alone, please reach out - whether it’s to someone you trust or a school counsellor. You don’t have to go through this by yourself, and asking for help is always okay.

You’ve got such a beautiful heart, and you deserve friendships that feel safe, real, and full of aroha. 💗

Aroha nui,
Māmā Ruru 🦉

How do I know if I have depression or anxiety?

Hey chick, a lot of people our age go through feelings of stress, sadness, anxiety or low moods, and it’s actually really common. It’s totally normal to feel nervous, down, or unsure at times, but when things like poor sleep, changes in appetite, or finding it hard to connect with others start to stick around, it can be a sign that you might be experiencing anxiety or depression.

Sometimes these two can overlap, like trouble sleeping (either sleeping too much or not enough), finding it hard to concentrate, wanting to be alone, or avoiding stressful or social situations. You might be experiencing one or the other, or sometimes both at the same time, and that’s okay, it doesn’t mean you’re weak or broken.

If you’ve been feeling this way often, for a long time, and it’s starting to affect your daily life or relationships, it could be a good idea to reach out for support from someone like the school psychologists or a trusted adult in your life. Talking to someone about how you’re feeling can feel scary at first, but it’s actually a really strong and brave step to take. You should never feel embarrassed or ashamed about asking for help, everyone needs support at different times in their lives.

If you want to learn more, I’ve put together some pages with info about depression and anxiety, plus links to places where you can reach out for help and support.

Arohanui, Māmā Ruru

What are some ways to manage school pressure without feeling overwhelmed?

Hey lovely,

I heard you’ve been feeling a bit overwhelmed with schoolwork lately, that’s totally valid, and you’re definitely not alone. But I promise, you’re doing better than you think 💛

One thing that really helps is trying not to procrastinate (easier said than done, I know!). Something some of us use is the “1, 2, 3” method, it’s super simple: just count to three and get started. It sounds silly, but honestly, it can really help break that first barrier.

Getting organised can also make a big difference. Try setting up a space that helps you focus, somewhere tidy, with good lighting, and no distractions. Having everything you need nearby (like pens, highlighters, your charger, snacks, etc.) saves you from having to get up constantly. Once you’ve got your space sorted, it’s way easier to get into the right headspace too.

Writing out a to-do list and prioritising what’s due soonest, like internals or upcoming exams, can help things feel less overwhelming. Break it down into small, achievable steps, and give yourself little rewards when you tick things off (like a treat, a walk, or an episode of your fav show). And focus on how good it’s going to feel once it’s done and handed in, that relief is honestly the best feeling 🙌

Also, figure out what kind of work vibe suits you best, some people like total silence, others prefer music or a study group. Try a few things and see what works for you. If you find yourself getting distracted, setting screen time limits or deleting games/apps from your phone or laptop can really help.

If you're working at home, make sure to get outside every now and then, even just for a few minutes. Fresh air can do wonders when your brain feels foggy. And don't forget to rest. Getting enough sleep, eating properly, and taking care of yourself are just as important as studying.

And honestly, don’t be afraid to ask for help, your teachers want to see you do well, and they’re usually super understanding and supportive. Your whānau teacher and your Dean will be able to help you too.

You’ve absolutely got this. Be kind to yourself and take it one step at a time 💖

Sending heaps of love and encouragement, you're so much more capable than you realise🌸.

Arohanui, Māmā Ruru

Hi Māmā Ruru, I’m addicted to vaping and I am having a really hard time quitting, can you help me please?

Hey, thank you so much for being open and sharing where you're at that takes courage.

Something that might really help is talking to someone you trust such as maybe a close friend, whānau, a teacher, or a counsellor. Having someone in your corner can make such a difference, especially when it comes to staying accountable and feeling supported.

Take a moment to reflect on why you started vaping, what was going on for you at that time? Understanding that reason can help you work through it with more kindness toward yourself, and might make your journey to stopping feel a bit more manageable.

It can also really help to pick up new hobbies or find little distractions that keep your mind and hands busy. And if you can, try to avoid situations or people where vaping is happening or even let those people know about your goal so they can support you too.

Most importantly, try to focus on the positives. Don’t stress too much about how many days you’ve gone without vaping as sometimes counting can add pressure and make it feel harder. Instead, celebrate how far you've come and all the little wins.

And please be gentle with yourself. One slip up doesn’t erase your progress. This stuff is hard, and healing isn’t always a straight line. You're doing the mahi, and that’s something to be really proud of.

Arohanui, Māmā Ruru