My friend who is 17 has just started dating this 21 year old. It is her first boyfriend and she hid him from us until today because her parents found out and got really mad. What do I do?

Kia ora, thanks so much for coming to Mama Ruru for support - that shows how much you care about your friend, and that you’re really looking out for her 💛 

I think it’s important to say that even though a relationship between a 17-year-old and a 21-year-old might be legal, it can still be a bit concerning. There’s quite a big difference in maturity and life stage at those ages. Like, the jump from being a teenager to being in your early twenties is actually huge in terms of emotional growth and life experience. Because this is her first relationship too, it could make things a bit uneven, where he might have more influence or control over how things go, even if he doesn’t mean to. Sometimes that can make it harder for her to notice if something doesn’t feel right, or to speak up about it. 

There could be lots of reasons why she hasn’t told people about the relationship. It might just be that it’s new and she wanted to keep it private for a bit, or she was worried about being judged. But at the same time, if there’s a sense that she’s hiding him or he doesn’t want to be known, that can be a bit of a red flag. The age gap is something to take seriously too - not because it’s automatically bad, but because it can create a bit of a power imbalance or pressure for her to grow up faster than she’s ready for. 

If you’ve noticed changes in her, like pulling away from you or other friends, or seeming more anxious or defensive, it’s definitely worth gently checking in. I reckon the best thing you can do is just talk to her in a really chill, non-judgemental way. Let her know how you feel, but also make it clear you’re coming from a place of care, not criticism. 

Just being there for her is the biggest thing. Try not to make her feel judged, and remind her that since it’s her first relationship, she should go at her own pace. You could encourage her to think about how he treats her and how she feels when she’s with him - like, does she feel safe, respected, and comfortable being herself? And just remind her that even though he’s older, she deserves equal respect and to have a say in everything. Also let her know you’ve always got her back, no matter what. 

It’s actually a really good thing that her parents know, because it means there are adults who can help guide her and keep an eye on things. Just remember, it’s not your job to fix the situation or carry all of this on your own. You’re doing enough just by being a good friend. 

At the end of the day, just make sure she knows she’s not alone, and that she has people in her life who care about her - not just him. 💛